Yes you read the title right.
My cup runneth over and chicken tacos may cause uncontrollable sobbing
Chicken tacos aren’t the only thing. At least not today.
A year ago, at about the time I started writing this post, I was pulling up behind an ambulance, after a chaotic drive to get to it.
I knew my baby was inside, but I didn’t know what I would see. I didn’t know if he was even alive. I was so scared.
Rewind a few hours, to earlier that day.
I had made a gorgeous dinner. My new Pampered Chef items had arrived and I wanted to use every single one of them, that very second! I settled on about half of them (some being used unnecessarily, of course) and whipped up some chicken tacos and a dutch oven (or Rock Crock if you will) peach cobbler.
Soldier, the boys and I sat down to dinner, said our prayer and dished up our food.
I couldn’t eat my chicken taco fast enough. I told Soldier I would like to go run a few errands without the boys but I would be back for dessert.
Now we can fast forward all the way to today, one year later.
Today I was busy with life. Every glorious aspect of life. Then dinner time came – like it always does, unfortunately.
I had some chicken that had been in the fridge a day (or two – whoopsie) and knew I needed to cook it soon. Little Man came in and informed me that it is “Taco Tuesday” (dinner is brought to you courtesy of The Lego Movie). I whipped up some tacos and we all sat down to eat.
Okay so nothing traumatic happened but a thought popped into my head. A wretched little evil thought that would soon produce mass amounts of
unnecessary mom tears. That’s what I get for thinking, am I right?
Exactly one year ago, at the very same time, we were sitting down to almost the exact same meal. We had no idea what would happen in a few short hours and how our lives would change.
I couldn’t fathom eating tacos – something I’ve eaten more than once since that day last year.
Today was different.
I looked at my beautiful boys, the same ones that were in rare form today, just like a year ago. Something about May 19th man – full moon perhaps?
I looked at Soldier and tried catching my breath. My eyes welled up with tears and I was overcome with anxiety, happiness, sadness, gratitude and any other opposing feeling you can think of.
I choked down a few bites and announced that we should take a walk, in the rain, because, well…life is short.
After our walk, Soldier had to leave for work, and I was left with those little terrorists that I was
slowly losing my patience with.
Eventually, after an hour or so, I had two little boys and two doggies all tucked in bed.
I went about unpacking and cleaning up from the tornado of a day.
Then, about an hour later I heard some noises coming from the boys room.
It was Little Bean…and he was ready to party.
I handed him the pluto he had hucked at my face a few seconds earlier and he whispered “I wub ew ommy”. (For those that don’t speak 2-year old or have any common sense, he meant, “I love you Mommy”.)
Well, if you thought taco’s were heart wrenching, you better believe it felt like an elephant stepped on my chest with that little sentiment.
As I looked at this little boy, taking his two plutos and scooting under his little sheet, all I could think was, “why do I put my kids to bed? I shouldn’t ever be without them! I love them so much!” Tears ran down my face and I became a blubbering idiot.
A flying pluto knocked reality back into me, rather quickly. I, very promptly, remembered why I was so grateful for bedtime tonight, like most nights.
I also remembered how my heart had hurt for this child, how it had pleaded for him and how it had almost burst from the joy that filled it, when I did walk into that ambulance and heard him crying for me.
That moment was full of clarity. Jam packed full of clarity, I tell you!
Wanting my kids to go to bed isn’t a crime, it doesn’t mean I don’t love them. Crying over taco’s doesn’t mean I’m losing it – except I kind of am. Being a mom is hard, it is full of ups and downs, moments you don’t think will end soon enough and moments you would give anything to have back.
It’s also full of wanting bedtime to come faster and then an hour after bedtime feeling homesick for your kids.
This last year has been such an incredible learning experience for everyone in this house, especially me. I wouldn’t actually change any of it – some may say that’s the Munchhausen via proxy in me – but really it is because of the love that I have and will never forget for those that helped us that day and this last year, and my incredibly strong husband and of course my tiny terrorists.
So there is no moral to my run along story. There is no tidy wrap up, since we are all still living. There is nothing more than my musings from a full day of rambling thoughts. I don’t know everything. Hell I don’t really know anything.
However I do know, that tonight, amidst all the crazy, the tears, the nostalgia, the love, the fear, the everything…
My cup runneth over.